I am messy, so I don’t see why this blog shouldn’t be! You will get what you will get, and there’s nothing much you can do about it.
Seven months. And a half. That’s how long I have managed to keep this place neat and tidy. At least that’s how long I tried not moving on to a new country before I was finished sharing the stories/pictures/sounds from the previous one.
But from now on, the hell with chronology! I don’t have little boxes inside me for each country, with a lid that I carefully close once I have left. Just as languages and cultures, one’s life is just a big continuum. Obviously, time is. But space is too. Countries are rarely closed entities. Yes, there are borders. They are all very artificial. Turkey doesn’t cease to exist once you’ve entered Georgia or Iran. It’s still there, everywhere, for a few hundreds kilometres and maybe more. It’s in people living near the border and who can speak Turkish, it’s in the language of the Azerbaijan region of Iran, in the devil’s eyes still scattered everywhere – though less numerous – , it’s in people’s travel stories or it’s where they wish to study. And even if Turkey seemingly disappears into space-time once you’ve entered Armenia, the very fact that it is taboo over there makes its presence all the more tangible, a big dark and thick shadow leaning over every conversation. Conspicuous in its absence, as one might say.
So, it’s all a big continuum to me. Everything is. Even memories are not set in stone. Time passing by alters the precision of remembrance. Unfortunately so, perhaps. Or fortunately so, for the bad ones, our swiftness to forgetfulness allowing us to move on. Nothing is definite. Each new experience may cast a new light on a previous one, each new smile is fuller with the warmth of thousands received and given before. So, I am this huge continuum of feelings, emotions and everything I have experienced so far, I am made of every single encounter I made, every single happiness, shiver or tear. I am a big melting-pot, constantly brewing.
Or maybe am I just plain messy, inside and outside?
I must admit, when I left Vienna with my backpack, I was very naive. I thought that because I had less stuff I would magically become more tidy. Well guess what? It didn’t happen! I am as messy as ever. It’s just a compacter, denser mess, that all fits into my backpack. Apart from the mess of clothes, maps, instruments and little things I collect everywhere – just as before, I always have at least two or three notebooks and a number of pens scattered around in my bags and pockets – just as before. And I keep mislaying things all the time – just as before. I also simply loose stuff, sometimes, even though I try not to and it doesn’t happen very often. So, it hasn’t changed that much. I arrange my little mess around me everywhere I go, be it for one night or ten, at someone’s or in a tent.
That is for sure one important thing that I have learned so far: change is within you, and nowhere else. It doesn’t happen unless you want it, at least unless you’re ready for it, and it doesn’t matter where you are. But honestly, I don’t care about being messy. Life is messy, too! So I am not trying to change. I have more important things to work on first (I guess I always will have). I only feel bad, sometimes, when invited to a house that’s very neat and tidy and we arrive like a bull in a china shop, my mess and I. Because am a big clumsy bull: I know it. So in those cases, I try to contain my mess a bit more for a few days, and that’s it.
All of this to tell you that this blog is about to become messy – if it isn’t already. Maybe it started a while ago, with the writing in French and English thing. Maybe with the three categories at the beginning, it an attempt to get organised. But it will get worse. From now on, I will not try to follow the chronology of my adventures anymore, for the bunch of aforementioned reasons. I will publish what I feel like sharing and that’s it. Some of you are going to be happy. I might, more often than until now, end up writing about the country I actually am in (but don’t be too optimistic – I need time to process things before I can share them here). I will keep completing the SilkyWay as fast as I can, but here again, à-la-messy: I won’t be publishing it parallel to the French version any more, as I tried to until now. I am ahead with the French writing, so the French speakers out there are gonna get the story faster. Yes, it’s unfair. But life isn’t fair .
See you soon!
Note: thank you Will-the-cyclist-on-a-break for reviewing the English version!